This summer I was able to attend FHE with our missionary couple in Vicenza along with other various soldiers and world wanderers. One night we had a spiritual thought on guardian angels. I started thinking about all the times in my life where someone other than my parents, friends, and family was watching over me. I didn't say what was on my mind that night, so I'll try to make up for that through this post.
Last year I learned a lot. Which is great, except I think about 98% of what I learned was through major trial and error. It was a sort of "let's put you through some fire Jess, it's your turn" type of deal. Most of my pain was through my own mistakes and personality flaws, which really cracked down on my self esteem and my patience.
At the beginning of winter semester, I found myself in a very crappy situation. A turn of events left me knowing that whatever I was going to go through over the next few months was probably going to suck. I didn't know what exactly was going to be thrown at me, but I knew that I was in for one heck of a ride. So I asked my roommate's dad for a blessing. One of the things mentioned in the blessing was that whenever I felt the powers of darkness, and despair threatened to overcome me, to go find a quiet place and go to the Lord in prayer. This was slightly puzzling to me and not what I expected to hear, but I tucked it away in my mind for future reference.
A few days later it became very apparent to me that the situation worsened... a lot. The result of this was that I did NOT, absolutely NOT want to go to church, my ward specifically. It was like a bitter taste in the back of my throat, always there seeping into everything. I would start shaking and feel physically sick whenever I talked about it. When "forgiveness" was thrown at me I wanted to stand up and say, "What about JUSTICE?" I wanted to cry and tell them, "Can't you understand that if I could forgive right now I would, but that is beyond my human capacity? Can't you see that I am doing my best and that just happens to be far below your expectations? Can't you see that I've been terribly wronged and I need something beyond myself to fix me?"
Thankfully that first weekend I found a safe haven with Hannah in Salt Lake. It gave me some time to recollect myself, feel love from a dear friend, and gain a little confidence to go back to Provo. But when I arrived in Provo, none of the above feelings had changed. If anything they were only intensified. I went to church because I believed it was the right thing and felt a strong moral obligation to do so. My opinions and beliefs about some of the people there were in no way altered. I did not feel forgiveness. I did not feel love. I did not get a warm fuzzy feeling walking into the building.
As I sat down in relief society all these thoughts and feelings washed over me. My heart was screaming and I made it through 15 minutes of the lesson before walking out. I couldn't face these people. I wandered the halls for a while hoping that no one would see my puffy red face and ask what was wrong. I eventually found refuge in the mothers lounge, where I got down on my knees. I cried, I cried and I cried and I cried. Looking back I don't know what I said to my Heavenly Father, I don't know how long I was in there, but I do know this: I didn't suddenly feel love or forgiveness inside me. My situation didn't change. However I was able to walk out of that bathroom and attend the rest of church, something that I would never have been able to do on my own.
I know that there are guardian angels. Sometimes I see them. I see them in the roommate who stands up for me. I see them in the family that reaches out and holds me when I'm weak. They are the people who see someone better and more beautiful in me than I could ever see on my own. But I also know that there are unseen angels, because they have always been with me. They were with me when I read the Book of Mormon as a little ten year old alone in the laundry room late at night. They were with me when I walked into 8th grade not knowing how to communicate in Italian to my classmates or teachers. They were with me whenever I have looked for them. They have helped me face my darkest demons. They have turned me into something I never could have been on my own.
Sometimes we have to be lost in order to find ourselves. We have to be broken in order to be fixed. We have to face our fears before defeating them, we have to be alone before realizing we need someone else. I have learned that God is not someone who takes pain away, he is not someone who will give you an easy life because you are good. But I do know that he does not leave us alone. I know that without him I would be nothing and only through him can I become something. I have witnessed in my own life how the atonement has fixed me. I have seen how pains from the past can be fully healed and never come back. I have felt the power of God inside me lifting me when I could not go on by myself. I have tasted a little bit of Godly joy, and it is heavenly!
If you are suffering there is hope. Do not despair because everything in your life isn't going as planned. I know because on that Sunday God heard the cry of a lost, struggling girl alone in the mothers lounge and he picked her up and helped her do what she could never have done on her own.
Last year I learned a lot. Which is great, except I think about 98% of what I learned was through major trial and error. It was a sort of "let's put you through some fire Jess, it's your turn" type of deal. Most of my pain was through my own mistakes and personality flaws, which really cracked down on my self esteem and my patience.
At the beginning of winter semester, I found myself in a very crappy situation. A turn of events left me knowing that whatever I was going to go through over the next few months was probably going to suck. I didn't know what exactly was going to be thrown at me, but I knew that I was in for one heck of a ride. So I asked my roommate's dad for a blessing. One of the things mentioned in the blessing was that whenever I felt the powers of darkness, and despair threatened to overcome me, to go find a quiet place and go to the Lord in prayer. This was slightly puzzling to me and not what I expected to hear, but I tucked it away in my mind for future reference.
A few days later it became very apparent to me that the situation worsened... a lot. The result of this was that I did NOT, absolutely NOT want to go to church, my ward specifically. It was like a bitter taste in the back of my throat, always there seeping into everything. I would start shaking and feel physically sick whenever I talked about it. When "forgiveness" was thrown at me I wanted to stand up and say, "What about JUSTICE?" I wanted to cry and tell them, "Can't you understand that if I could forgive right now I would, but that is beyond my human capacity? Can't you see that I am doing my best and that just happens to be far below your expectations? Can't you see that I've been terribly wronged and I need something beyond myself to fix me?"
Thankfully that first weekend I found a safe haven with Hannah in Salt Lake. It gave me some time to recollect myself, feel love from a dear friend, and gain a little confidence to go back to Provo. But when I arrived in Provo, none of the above feelings had changed. If anything they were only intensified. I went to church because I believed it was the right thing and felt a strong moral obligation to do so. My opinions and beliefs about some of the people there were in no way altered. I did not feel forgiveness. I did not feel love. I did not get a warm fuzzy feeling walking into the building.
As I sat down in relief society all these thoughts and feelings washed over me. My heart was screaming and I made it through 15 minutes of the lesson before walking out. I couldn't face these people. I wandered the halls for a while hoping that no one would see my puffy red face and ask what was wrong. I eventually found refuge in the mothers lounge, where I got down on my knees. I cried, I cried and I cried and I cried. Looking back I don't know what I said to my Heavenly Father, I don't know how long I was in there, but I do know this: I didn't suddenly feel love or forgiveness inside me. My situation didn't change. However I was able to walk out of that bathroom and attend the rest of church, something that I would never have been able to do on my own.
I know that there are guardian angels. Sometimes I see them. I see them in the roommate who stands up for me. I see them in the family that reaches out and holds me when I'm weak. They are the people who see someone better and more beautiful in me than I could ever see on my own. But I also know that there are unseen angels, because they have always been with me. They were with me when I read the Book of Mormon as a little ten year old alone in the laundry room late at night. They were with me when I walked into 8th grade not knowing how to communicate in Italian to my classmates or teachers. They were with me whenever I have looked for them. They have helped me face my darkest demons. They have turned me into something I never could have been on my own.
Sometimes we have to be lost in order to find ourselves. We have to be broken in order to be fixed. We have to face our fears before defeating them, we have to be alone before realizing we need someone else. I have learned that God is not someone who takes pain away, he is not someone who will give you an easy life because you are good. But I do know that he does not leave us alone. I know that without him I would be nothing and only through him can I become something. I have witnessed in my own life how the atonement has fixed me. I have seen how pains from the past can be fully healed and never come back. I have felt the power of God inside me lifting me when I could not go on by myself. I have tasted a little bit of Godly joy, and it is heavenly!
If you are suffering there is hope. Do not despair because everything in your life isn't going as planned. I know because on that Sunday God heard the cry of a lost, struggling girl alone in the mothers lounge and he picked her up and helped her do what she could never have done on her own.
2 comments:
Jessica, that was beautiful. It made me cry. You are truly inspirational! Thank you for sharing. <3
You are being "shaped" into a better Jessica all the time. And we love you through all of it, Jessie! I really admire and respect your dedication and commitment to living a life that you can be proud of, sweetheart! You are amazing!
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