I wrote this a while ago, but am just now publishing it. Hope you enjoy :)
Today for church I went with my family to a small Italian branch. I was actually quiet surprised, because the meetings were so different from my usual singles ward experience. I even stopped writing in my notebook and started paying attention in Sunday school. Ya, remember my other post about Sunday poetry? No Sunday poetry this week. I actually started getting involved in what people were saying, because everyone around me was so engaged. Then, after all the meetings were over, a sister Alessandra literally took my hand and introduced me to every single person in the branch today. People were smiling and friendly. It was great.
All this got me thinking about my own experiences in the lds church, about different people that I've met and different challenges that I've had. Most of all, I started thinking about why it was hard to be a Mormon in Utah.
When I first moved to Utah, I had no idea what I was getting into. I was taken aback by the strange new culture and the diverse challenges I had. I found that even though I wasn't surrounded by people shoving immorality down my throat, it was still extremely difficult to be Mormon. Why? Not because of mass amount of trials, but because of the seeming lack of spirituality in everything. Sounds strange, I know, but just listen. When I was the only Mormon in my high school I felt misunderstood. I felt like an outsider. When I knew that I was the only one standing for what's right, I really had to stick to it. I felt so much pressure to not mess up because tons of people were watching me, that strange Mormon girl. I really learned to rely on the Lord, especially when others who I had thought would always stay strong weren't. So I literally had to "press... forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron" (1 Nephi 8:30) because if I started slipping, I was going to fall.
Then I switched to Utah where I was just one little Mormon drowning in the mainstream religion. Suddenly everybody knew my standards and my beliefs, and I didn't have anything new to offer anybody. Things went weird, because everything I found hard for me about being a Mormon before was easy. I stopped praying in the mornings because why would I? I didn't need God right next to me anymore, I had it all covered. Life was good and I was finally able to enjoy it. Living the gospel was easy, and I was doing everything I needed to in order to be a "righteous" latter day saint.
However, pretty soon it all started catching up to me. What did people think about me? Maybe I was just one of those Molly Mormons who are stuck up and didn't really do anything for anyone else. I stopped looking out for people, because quite honestly, they just didn't seem to need any looking after. Then I started thinking to myself, if nobody else needs me, why would God need me? The church didn't require such obvious sacrifices from me as it did before. The gospel went into a whole different sphere for me, and I felt like I had been left behind while everyone else got something that I didn't.
So what was I supposed to do? I didn't know why I felt empty and alone when I was doing everything required of me. I decided that maybe just following the rules wasn't good enough. So after a bit of crisis and trying to get back in tune with the Lord, I think I started to figure it out. I took out my doubts and fears and laid them out in the open for myself to see. I started praying every morning again, but for different reasons. I questioned things about my religion. I took it to the Lord and I studied it on my own. I took my issues and am now trying to untangle those huge knots one by one.
So there you go. I've gotten better, I provide lots of work for my guardian angels and keep in contact with upstairs. And today in church I realized just how hard it is to be a Mormon in Utah.
Why are we afraid to admit how much we struggle? For a while now I've been thinking about how many people are just like I was. I'm convinced that people keep their problems, fears, and doubts hidden in their secret closets because everyone is supposed to be a happy little Mormon with no issues in life. We have this misconception that if we have issues with life, we must be sinning. We get so busy trying to be like everyone else that we don't realize that everyone else is just like us, just struggling through everyday.
So that's it, that's my view on being a Mormon in Utah. Even though I was surrounded by supposedly "spiritual" and "righteous" people, one Sunday here and I am rethinking my whole view of righteousness.
I don't know how to help people who keep their issues in their closets, I don't know what everyone is going through. But for me being a Mormon in Utah has meant digging for the spiritual, and searching for the godly in ways that I never thought were necessary. I've discovered that the divine is in everything, our pain, our anger, and our suffering. For me, I will not lead a shallow life. I will frown when I am sad and smile when I am happy. I will love till I burst and enjoy every moment that I have. I have my issues, but I will hang them on my wall in pretty picture frames and try to see how to make them better. I want and need people, and by wanting and needing people I become wanted and needed.
Today for church I went with my family to a small Italian branch. I was actually quiet surprised, because the meetings were so different from my usual singles ward experience. I even stopped writing in my notebook and started paying attention in Sunday school. Ya, remember my other post about Sunday poetry? No Sunday poetry this week. I actually started getting involved in what people were saying, because everyone around me was so engaged. Then, after all the meetings were over, a sister Alessandra literally took my hand and introduced me to every single person in the branch today. People were smiling and friendly. It was great.
All this got me thinking about my own experiences in the lds church, about different people that I've met and different challenges that I've had. Most of all, I started thinking about why it was hard to be a Mormon in Utah.
When I first moved to Utah, I had no idea what I was getting into. I was taken aback by the strange new culture and the diverse challenges I had. I found that even though I wasn't surrounded by people shoving immorality down my throat, it was still extremely difficult to be Mormon. Why? Not because of mass amount of trials, but because of the seeming lack of spirituality in everything. Sounds strange, I know, but just listen. When I was the only Mormon in my high school I felt misunderstood. I felt like an outsider. When I knew that I was the only one standing for what's right, I really had to stick to it. I felt so much pressure to not mess up because tons of people were watching me, that strange Mormon girl. I really learned to rely on the Lord, especially when others who I had thought would always stay strong weren't. So I literally had to "press... forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron" (1 Nephi 8:30) because if I started slipping, I was going to fall.
Then I switched to Utah where I was just one little Mormon drowning in the mainstream religion. Suddenly everybody knew my standards and my beliefs, and I didn't have anything new to offer anybody. Things went weird, because everything I found hard for me about being a Mormon before was easy. I stopped praying in the mornings because why would I? I didn't need God right next to me anymore, I had it all covered. Life was good and I was finally able to enjoy it. Living the gospel was easy, and I was doing everything I needed to in order to be a "righteous" latter day saint.
However, pretty soon it all started catching up to me. What did people think about me? Maybe I was just one of those Molly Mormons who are stuck up and didn't really do anything for anyone else. I stopped looking out for people, because quite honestly, they just didn't seem to need any looking after. Then I started thinking to myself, if nobody else needs me, why would God need me? The church didn't require such obvious sacrifices from me as it did before. The gospel went into a whole different sphere for me, and I felt like I had been left behind while everyone else got something that I didn't.
So what was I supposed to do? I didn't know why I felt empty and alone when I was doing everything required of me. I decided that maybe just following the rules wasn't good enough. So after a bit of crisis and trying to get back in tune with the Lord, I think I started to figure it out. I took out my doubts and fears and laid them out in the open for myself to see. I started praying every morning again, but for different reasons. I questioned things about my religion. I took it to the Lord and I studied it on my own. I took my issues and am now trying to untangle those huge knots one by one.
So there you go. I've gotten better, I provide lots of work for my guardian angels and keep in contact with upstairs. And today in church I realized just how hard it is to be a Mormon in Utah.
Why are we afraid to admit how much we struggle? For a while now I've been thinking about how many people are just like I was. I'm convinced that people keep their problems, fears, and doubts hidden in their secret closets because everyone is supposed to be a happy little Mormon with no issues in life. We have this misconception that if we have issues with life, we must be sinning. We get so busy trying to be like everyone else that we don't realize that everyone else is just like us, just struggling through everyday.
So that's it, that's my view on being a Mormon in Utah. Even though I was surrounded by supposedly "spiritual" and "righteous" people, one Sunday here and I am rethinking my whole view of righteousness.
I don't know how to help people who keep their issues in their closets, I don't know what everyone is going through. But for me being a Mormon in Utah has meant digging for the spiritual, and searching for the godly in ways that I never thought were necessary. I've discovered that the divine is in everything, our pain, our anger, and our suffering. For me, I will not lead a shallow life. I will frown when I am sad and smile when I am happy. I will love till I burst and enjoy every moment that I have. I have my issues, but I will hang them on my wall in pretty picture frames and try to see how to make them better. I want and need people, and by wanting and needing people I become wanted and needed.
1 comment:
Thank you Jessica! I love your blog! -Tianna E. Baci!!
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